Missed connection

I have a lot of degrees. I'm not saying that in a braggadocios kinda way, it's just the truth. Most folks like to tease me about that little fact, but most folks don't know that there is one degree that got away from me. For a long long long time I thought I would go to seminary school and get a theology degree and kinda transition to maybe doing full time ministry somewhere. No lie. I don't know what happened along the way, well, yes I do, I chose to finish my MBA and pursue my business career instead and put seminary on the backburner. I don't know if I would consider myself a theology school drop out, but I surely didn't go forth and get the formal education in how ministry works and all that good stuff like I anticipated. I haven't talked much about my spiritual life in this blog, don't know why, just haven't, much like I don't get into too much of my "real" personal life. There are moments where I'm an open book and other moments it's like the great wall of China is protecting "ME" and I'm all isolated with my own thoughts, fears, issues, emotions, problems, defeats, wins, etc etc. I had or have a pretty solid relationship with God (Jesus/Holy Spirit) but the last few years I've slowly back tracked on the things that formed my solid foundation, like prayer, bible reading, accountability to authority to some degree and I've allowed myself to not only compromise on some things but also justify my actions that deep down I know a few years ago I would've never allowed to happen.

I think back and wonder if I would do those things had I gone forth and moved forward with seminary school. I been in a fairly weird place emotionally for me. Been dealing with some personal issues that I think have been the main catalyst for me not sleeping well and having headaches. I don't "feel" stressed and I don't think I am it's just that I've never been great at dealing with personal issues, especially expressing them outwardly to others. I do eventually, but it takes me a while, remember that whole wall of China reference from before. I was rattled in my psyche about a situation that I thought I was in a fairly good position about, things were flowing smooth, it was butterflies and puppies and then like a fat diamond rock (oh the irony), it changed and I was knocked off my game. Like everything I "thought" was right was now being questioned in my mind and was now making me doubtful, insecure and walking around with my heart on my sleeve, that ain't me! I don't do insecure. It's amazing how expressing yourself can relieve so much uneasiness, even if it turns out that you're completely making something out of nothing, which is my typical mantra, and was more so the case in this situation than there being something "wrong".

My spiritual life has suffered because of some of the choices I've made over the last few years, but I'm always brought back and reminded one way or another that even though I may think I'm not where I should be, others still have faith in me and come to me when their own situations lead them to someone they know who can comfort them, give them sound advice, and that they trust and that they see as "spiritual" Maybe I didn't "need" the seminary to lead the ministry lifestyle and it's just a missed connection. And the relationship that I've built to walk on the "right" side of the fence is enough and I should learn to forgive myself for things that I can't go back and change and to remember that I'll never know who sees me as Angie the bible thumper, even at those times where I just feel like a seminary drop out.

Brown...out!