Suicide is not an option

That's a pretty heavy title but for the sake of me not thinking for anything cliche'ish, I'll just use the truth. Most folks don't know that what seems like many moons ago I was suicidal. Yep, ME! I hid it too damn relatively well and carried out my daily life as if things were just fine, but in reality I was 1 drink away from voluntarily driving off a bridge in my drunk state or 1 pill away from sleeping it all away. It's weird for me to think about those dark dark days in my life and wonder why I didn't go through with it. It's even weirder for me to look in the mirror and see the same physical person looking back at me, but know that that person from back then doesn't even exist in my world. She, was a "rising" star but a falling meteor all at the same time. I've never really talked about those dark days unless I'm really led to share it in a way that will let someone else see that hey, just because you think life is shitty overated and you're ready to be done with it, suicide doesn't have to be an option. There are other ways to cope with the struggles of life. For me it was therapy and salvation.

Yes, THERAPY, As in seeing a random psychologist and talking that crap out and getting help. Black folks think therapy is taboo and we are always told or taught to "pray" about it and everything will be fine. Yea, I'm all for praying about situations and trusting God, but I also know that when I was sitting on that couch, 6 beers in me, 3 or 4 sleeping pills in me and god knows what other substances, God was NOT on my mind in any way except God get me outta here, but somewhere inside of me suicide wasn't an option. Even though I "thought" that I didn't want to go on and deal with my issues, in reality, I just needed real help with HOW to deal with my issues. Issues that to some others weren't issues at all, issues that I was clearly making mountains out of mole hills to those on the outside looking in, or issues that I was too strong and had too much going on to not know how to handle. Sometimes friends and family members really don't listen when you're clearly and even not so clearly reaching out for their help.

All of this suicide talk is for a purpose, no, I'm not suicidal, not even stressed at the moment. Not where I want to be in all aspects of my life, but definitely a much different person and know when I'm close to a breaking point and know how to get help before hand. I have a cousin who is living with me right now because he was where I was all those moons ago and he actually went through with his suicide attempt. Thankfully his attempt wasn't a fatal one and in reality was an outcry for HELP. HELP that some of my family members are oblivious and clearly inadequate to provide to him. I'll gladly admit that there is a lot a lot a lot mild dysfunction on that side of the family and I'll gladly admit that I'm so glad my parents got outta that hell hole left their hometown and raised us in a city, I'm digressing. Well, kinda, dysfunctional family + lack of caring/listening = suicide BEING an option. Dysfunctional family+ lack of listening/sharing + therapy = suicide NOT being an option. My cousin has gone through therapy sessions while he was recovering in the hospital (which his mother only saw him ONE time at in the 4 or 5 weeks he was there , but that's another blog) and I know he's not "crazy", I know what its like to feel like the world is crashing in and I was in a much better state financially/stability wise than him but when your world is crashing, you can be sitting in a 6,000ft mansion and feel like you're already 6 feet in the ground.

I guess with him being around and me being selfless a whole lot lately, it has reminded me of how far I've come in my own mental capacity and personal growth. It has also reminded me of how selfish of an act suicide is. Everything about it is pure d selfish. I know not everyone makes it through their dark times and for them, they don't get out. I've been called a "fixer" and that's a pretty good assessment of me for the most part. Instead of getting riled up in kaos or getting frustrated when a situation seems out of control, I assess the scene and figure out a way to difuse or "fix" it to where its workable again. This is not one of those situations where I'm going to "fix". His life is his life and I'm merely providing a stable calm drama-free (for the most part) environment for him to start over again. He said he wanted out of Crappville and wanted to change and start over. I can help in giving him a temporary zip code that isn't Crappville and I can point him in the right direction for positivity but I'm so not taking on a fixer role in this situation. He has to make the moves to do better and I guess he's already made the first choice, of letting go of the past, getting help and living life like its worth living.

I told someone just this morning that life is really what you make of it. We live everyday with a choice, to embrace life and make the best of it, or to embrace life and be miserable in our situations. What's your choice? This isn't my usual fun friday post, I'll have to follow up with something a little more light hearted.

Brown..out!

Prodigal child returns

**taps mic**

**coughs**

Is...is this thing on..

** coughs**

**blows off the dust that has gathered in the box**

Wow. It has been way too long since I wrote a blog. My life has been topsyturvey and is kinda sorta getting back to right side up. Whenever I try and wallow in my own issues, I'm pulled into a "take charge" role and have to care for someone else and put me on the backburner. I guess that's good that I don't have selfwallowing moments for long, but damn, if I can't have like 5 minutes of woe is me! When will I be allowed to not be the care taker but the care takee?? I know I'm just a bit frustrated and venting, but for someone who doesn't have any offsprings I sure do a lot of responsible actions for people who did not reside inside of me for 9 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be where I am in life to be able to do for others and glad that others see me as someone that they can rely on in their time of troubles, but it gets taxing, mainly because I don't always feel as though I have anyone there for me in my taxing moments. I've had that feeling for years so I'm convinced it's an "it's not you, it's ME" kinda problem.

I am terribly simple and terribly complex at the same time.

I am in a "neutral" position with my personal life, not moving forward and kinda moving backwards if I can be honest with myself. It surely wasn't my idea to pump the brakes and go into this position, but I'm rolling with the flow. It's just a weird, semi-awkward position to be in. Not knowing what is good to say and what is crossing the neutral zone. I know this is a temporary fix, a band aid of sorts. I just hope my emotions don't go into a complete reverse position.

Things are crazy at my job. There are talks of "restructuring" so amist the tension of everyday life goings, there's tension at the job, but we're to carry on with business as usual. Yea right! I want to believe and have every sense of security that my position is secure and don't want to bail ship prematurely, but I also don't want to have a false sense of security and go down with a sinking ship, what a quandry to be in! I would feel better if the management above my pay grade had more information than what they have shared, they seem to be just as clueless as to what is going to happen as we do, since the evaluations are being done by outside individuals. We'll see. Either way, I'll be fine. Scared, but still fine.

Brown...out!