Today has been a bad day. Let me clarify, a bad emotional day. I'm not one who deals with her emotions well and I have a tendency to take out my lack of ability to express myself frustrations on those around me, more specifically those who are in my inner circle. I'm often flabergasted at my inability to communicate my emotions, I don't get it. I can get up in front of millionaires, high corporate executives, kids, old people, pets, you name it and speak. I'm not one who has a fear of public speaking, it's not my favorite thing to do but I can do it, but for the life of me I don't know why I suck, for lack of a better word at talking about my feelings. My stomach is in knots right now because I think I've swallowed down so much emotions lately that they are jacking up my insides. If I were only able to say what I want to say when "Gail"(Shun) asks, what's wrong with you? or are you ok? My answer is always always, I'm good or I don't want to talk about it and most of the time I'm not "that" good and I do want to talk about it, kinda sorta but not really. I think she can tell and just let's it go. Maybe it's timing or maybe it's fear or maybe I just don't want to 'whine' about situations especially when I know there are more 'important' and pressing issues. I always figure that I'll get over whatever it is that I'm (not) dealing with at the moment and most of the times I do get over it, but today is a bad day. I'm 2 seconds from busting out in tears in CC's and instead of finishing paper number 2 that I have to turn in tonight I'm mentally clouded and trying to center my thoughts so that I can just get through this paper, go home, shower and go to bed.
Inevitably, someone will ask if I'm ok and sadly the answer will still be "I'm good." I have to find a better way of dealing with my own emotions and not projecting them on others. I've always known it wasn't a good thing to do or the right thing, or the mature thing but somehow I always end up doing that and hurting the person on the receiving end when they have nothing to do with my own turmoil. Guess the cliche' mysery loves company is true, but that's really not my intentions either, I don't know why I do what I do, but I do know that I've got to do something about all this bottled and pent up emotions or else I'm going to have my own emotional debacle nd say/do something else that I'm going to regret. I do know that I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE feeling like this. HATE.IT.
Bah humbug....out!
2 comments:
I'm the same way. Part of the internal conflict is that I don't like to listen to other people's problems (at least I'm aware of my flaw), so I assume that no one wants to listen to mine.
The blog helps though. It's easier (for me anyway) to express emotion to the computer monitor. Sad, but true.
I think that's part of my problem too Bethany, I'd rather deal with my own issues rather than whining to someone else..blogging definitely helps..if I didn't have stalkers I'd have many a folk on BLAST daily..but even getting emotions on 'screen' makes me feel better. I see I'm not alone in that regard.
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