Ah, the weekend is finally here. It's been quite the roller coaster week for me. Mostly highs and a few lows. I'm starting to realize that I've been doing too much 'ostriching' lately with some of my own issues that I just don't feel like dealing with. It's so much easier and convenient to think of them as out of sight out of mind, and I suppose that's all fine and dandy but it's really just a temporary fix and I know it. I often hear other peoples issues because folks think that the "doctor" is indeed in and they come to me hoping that I can provide insight and wisdom and sometimes even a Godly counsel to their current trial and/or tribulation and I'm often amazed at how insightful and wise my counsel tends to be for them, but man, when it comes to counseling myself, I pretty much suck. I "know" all the right things to say, and I can tell myself all the "right" things to do, but when it comes time for execution, I give myself the FAIL! Knowing that I'm my hardest/worst critic, it's easy for me to turn a small "failure" of sorts into something way bigger than it has to be. It's also (too) easy for me to down play the big things that I feel like are failures and to carry on as though I'm "fine". I've said it before but sometimes I feel like I'm about to come undone at the hinges. I give myself credit for recognizing my own symptoms and realizing that I have my own issues to deal with and allowing others peoples "issues" to affect me can't be part of my 'treatment' plan. I have to really decide who the givers and who the takers are that I encounter. I honestly feel like a shark who allows those little fish to eat off the fungus of my skin to keep me clean, but not realizing what they're doing is also causing me to get infected thus, them 'helping' me is also killing me. That analogy made a lot of sense in my head, not sure how it's coming off on paper, but, being a giver is TIRESOME especially when the level of return is not of equal value. It's truly a blessing and a curse.
Being in treatment, opens up a lot of cans of worms that aren't enjoyable to stare in the face. I'm not sure what the ultimate outcome will be guess we all will just have to wait and see what happens..
Brown..out!
2 comments:
Just to let you know you are SO normal!
I think we all are guilty of this.
I had a serious talk with J not long ago about his issues with this, because he says " I'm fine. I accept where I am with things"...when the truth is sometimes he totally isn't!
I totally feel ya on how helping others causes you to lose yourself. The hardest thing is letting go, and the most rewarding thing is finding the balance between the two. The constant battle is that balance is always changing.
God made life so fun didn't he..keeps us on our toes!
Did you just call me "normal"..ha ha
Yes, I agree that letting go has indeed been the hardest part and I can't wait to get (back) to the balance of the two and hopefully I will have learned how to change when the balance changes.
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